today is Christmas

random thoughts:

im never excited to celebrate Christmas with the family.....

bakit nga ba lagi na lang masakit ang araw na ito?
bakit pag may occassion kailangan hindi masaya?
ilang taon na rin akong may malamyang pasko.
ilang taon na rin akong may lungkot sa puso tuwing pasko.
26 na yata.

i cried while hearing the 830 mass.
it is the first.

after US i will decide if i "can or cannot"
..find my happy christmas outside this house.
..ignore the guilt of leaving mom


you know best....just the best way to ruin this day.

i. my. me.

..why am i bothered
..why am i sad
..why like this

i feel restless
i am sad
i hate

my skin, cold
my heart, frozen
my mind, tired

save me
protect me
free me
love me

i should be happy.


==========================

i feel so not right these past days.
God, i'm so sorry.
blessings are all around me
and to feel worried is too much to accept.

Please heal my soul
Please clear my mind
Please wash my heart from all the sadness.

Please guard me always

sorry i have lots of requests.

i know i am so loved, but...

i am sorry.

my darling

my dear, why did you leave? you made mommy so sad. i am still crying since this morning. still wishing this is all just a dream. i miss your sweet eyes, honey, the way you look at me. it's so painful. i miss you so much. i thought we'll gonna stay together for a long time. why do you have to leave us. i miss you honey. i miss you.

3 years back i was in deep s*it. very deep i almost gone mad. who would've thought i'll be here, happy. trusting. patient. humble. better.

i love it.
i love Him.
i love them.
i love him.

sunlight

fortunately being seated near the window. i love seeing the afternoon sunlight. very dramatic indeed. it makes me feel so human and so alive.

thank You dear Lord for a new day.

always, i love You.